Captive Birds
by Druidsorcerer
Summary: Before Doumeki's arrival into the Yakuza and Yashiro's life. A day in Yashiro's life as he reminisces and has an epiphany about his life. Rated M for Yashiro being Yashiro XD One-shot... for now! R&R! :)


**A/N**: Hellooooo dearies! How've you been? Great? That's great! :D

Soooo… As everyone here knows, writer's blocks are horrible. I was stuck with one for the past say… 2-3 months (maybe more?) because of my blood-sucking (literally… I think I am anemic now :|) schedule and personal struggles.

And guess what cured me… Yup! Yoneda-Sensei's beautiful, extraordinary art! The idea was a spark, the words just wrote themselves and so, here I am once again, more than overjoyed, shouting all the way to z8-GND-5296 (Guess what it is, and I'll give ya chocolates! XD) "I'm ba~aaaack!" YAY! \(^u^)/

_To dear friends who are here because you follow me: If you are a Yaoi fan who likes deep plots and haven't read this manga, please, please go read it before you proceed. All of it -in this order- Don't stay gold, Tadayoedo shizumazu, saredo naki mo sezu (OH the feels!) and Saezuru tori wa habatakanai. You will love it, I am sure! :)_

Enough prattling... Now, enjoy! :D

**Note:** Please send me a PM if this fic should be under a lower rating, and I will change it immediately! :D Thank you!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything. *sigh*

* * *

**Captive birds**

_Humans are like birds. Some are born free, some are made free, and some never get to feel the vitality of freedom. Some live steadily while some are fleeting and reckless. _

_Some can fly high, some can fly low._

_And then there are others that cannot fly._

I come here every day to this dreary little office, do a job nobody wants to do, live a life no one aspires to. Yet I am not unhappy. This is the best I can be, and I have accepted it. This was my choice and mine alone… Or so I believe. And never once have I regretted it.

I light a cigarette and settle deeper into the chair. It is midday, after lunch; The slowest hour of the day. I always feel like having a nap at this time, and fight that off by going around to the convenience store for some entertainment. But today, I don't feel like going. I am nostalgic for some reason, and I hate it. To add to my misery, work is scarce today and my mind has a free leash to wander all it wants…

Like I said, I have never regretted anything. On the contrary, I am grateful that I made it thus-far. It is not every day that an abandoned, 'strange' young man gets to become anything in this cannibalistic world. I have what matters -money, enough of it to last a lifetime; and influence, enough to keep the world at bay if I am in trouble. I am satisfied with what I have and have become.

I have done everything I consider a must; felt everything that a human can feel. I know the feeling of joy, lust, desire, wish, want, will, strength, weakness, sadness, pain, misery, envy, wonder, amazement, attachment, shock, surprise, respect, attraction, excitement, disappointment, sincerity, betrayal, loneliness, yearning, fear, humiliation, indifference… everything.

I have even fallen desperately, haplessly in love; an unrequited, excruciating love with a straight man; a love that has no hope or future. He is perhaps the only human that I feel real connection to. A good, naïve man, a clumsy, shady doctor who still considers me a good friend. If only he knew that I wanted to make him cry because I feel aroused by his tears, if only he knew I wanted to be fucked by him. You'd expect him to freak out if I told him, but I know he will just let out an irritated, shocked "You!" before he goes on his way, rejecting me without words, probably without even his knowledge. I smile. Cold and warm, kind and cruel. My Kageyama.

But of course, I know I can never have a 'normal' relationship with anyone. That is why I have never told Kageyama about my feelings. Why ruin a perfectly good, uninterested, dense, straight man's life? Besides, I don't want to be hurt by rejection.

I sigh. I've digressed.

Well, I can definitely say this: I have had a taste of everything, and I don't desire more. I am certainly not ambitious.

Oh, but I do have _other desires_. In fact, I am actually pretty insatiable. I desire to be hurt, insulted and toyed with. Does it sound funny? Because it sure isn't. Strange perhaps, but I am definitely not joking. Everyone knows this for a fact that I love it rough and painful. I am a masochist. I like being raped. I feel it most intensely when I am painfully tortured. Everyone I know accepts this and me for what I am.

Though… I really have to accept that there's something of a contradiction here... Actually, I do feel hurt when people think of and address me only as a pervert. I am indeed a pervert, but I am also human and have different facets to myself, just like any human. I don't ask for understanding, just a bit of decency, not to bring it up in every little instance. Because it is mighty distracting. If you are trying to turn me on, I don't mind insults. Bring it on. But when, in a serious discussion, you bring the notion of my perversion to gain an advantage… Then you're underestimating me and it pisses me off basically to duel with your stupidity.

Even so, I am relatively fine with it as it is. Actually, anything is fine. I don't care much about such things. I do not judge, and am not willing to be judged. I have sex with anyone I want, without attachment, without any emotional tie. Because I hate to be 'loved'. Because when you bring in sweet endearment and mix it with sex, it gets sickening and makes me want to puke.

_"That hatred for humans could run this deep. Kinda refreshing."_

Yes, it is exactly that. I hate humans, men, women, everyone. Kage is the only exception.

But it isn't like I can help it if someone falls for me accidentally. That just makes things that much more awkward, and unpalatable to me. I've had to fire more than one man because he fell for me and things started getting troublesome. Those that have the free-time and inclination to be hankering, love-struck puppies don't belong in the Yakuza anyway. It is just too dangerous to have spoiled dumbasses like that as associates in my business.

My business... I snicker.

It isn't something to be really proud of. Being a Yakuza is not really a distinguished profession, but it does require a lot more of the unusual brand of determination and strength that only fools generally possess. In short, only those doomed to roam the earth filled with a certain kind of violence or madness, and are unable to hold a respectful position in the society, those like me who have no particular wish to fulfill, no family to protect, no hopes in life and are scouted because of these specialties, choose to become yakuza. Or _something_ forces them to choose this path.

No one in their right mind would abandon a normal life to become a monster.

_Unless fate compelled them._

Blaming fate... I still consider that weak. But… There are things that one cannot control, so I have nothing against it.

Not that I care about the reasons at all. It's still the same putrefying world, regardless of if you initially were a righteous knight or a pig from the streets.

And? Why did _I_ choose this world of all, if I hate it so?

It was both fate and my choice to go along with it. I mean, isn't it obvious? I had no place to go, no family, no home, and my savior was a crook. And even before I knew it, I was trapped into the job. No… I knew it even when I was picked up off the streets. In my defense, I did try to get out before I could be cornered. My savior was just richer, more powerful and more... convincing.

But… I did fight it initially. If not for that incident… If it was not for Kageyama…

Well, I can't blame Kageyama for a yakuza's interest in his valuable land. If anything, that incident was a stroke of good luck. Not only did I anonymously get to do something for Kageyama, but I was also able to land a 'job'. I really would never have fit into any other role as well as I did in the gang. And it wasn't like I wasn't screwed up before I got here. I was screwed up enough that normal people would have put me in a mental institution already. But then I wasn't, am not, really mad. I am just a bit eccentric… Or so I like to think.

Anyway, an institution is a bit too soon for me even now. There are still at least four more levels of insane I must cross before I can accept being admitted.

To get back to the point, there are still things I want to do... Like hard-core play, fire, needles, blood, neglecting games, role-plays… Ah the endless possibilities… I want to try all of them once. I still haven't had my fill of it. But I keep a tight rein. Because if I let go, I would lose myself in it and sink till I died, like I almost did after I graduated school.

_I_ would actually love that beyond measure; what a way to go it would be! But there is a man who doesn't want that. And I am bound to him by debt.

My so-called 'savior', Misumi-san. Or should I be formal and say my 'father'.

Of course, he isn't my real father. The man who had sex with my mother and planted me in her, left as soon as I was born. After which my mom tried her best to find herself a husband, so desperately that it was plain pathetic even to me. As you may imagine, I grew up pretty quickly. Countless men later, my mom remarried my step-dad, the trash who raped me and made me what I am now. That poor excuse of a human left us soon as I became a man. My mother left me soon after that. She was never really around, so I didn't really miss her. Nor did I miss my father, any of them. I have been alone, left to my own devices to survive, ever since I can remember.

I smile, remembering those days of blurred existence, when moving from one day to the next was more than enough for me.

And I move on.

By 'father', I mean, he was the one who initiated me into the Yakuza. The one I had a Sakazuki with to cement our filial bonds.

Right after which we proceeded to have violent sex. I laugh at the memory. Again, the father, though not really the father, fucking the son. Can't seem to escape that can I? Well, at least this time 'father' wasn't disgusted by my adult body.

It lasted one whole, memorable, eventful year. Misumi-san was like a beast at times, cruel, incorrigible, mercilessly negligent; he forbade me from seeking others, regardless of reasons, he toyed with me expertly, always bringing me to the point where I was begging for the slightest attention, begging for denied release, begging for more pain. Yet he never went too far. He was alright; he knew what I wanted, and I liked his methods. But it wasn't a surprise that we stopped being physical after a year. Misumi-san came to know me well during that time... Too well. He told me he wanted to _mean_ something to me and so we couldn't fuck anymore. I just remained passive and let it slide. _Maybe_ he was right; maybe it was like that.

In the end, after that year, I was once again on my own, free to choose anyone to have sex with. But still, Misumi-san doted on me... Like he would a real son. I smirk in remembrance. He'd be appalled if he knew how I got off for almost three years after we broke up, choosing random strangers and what not, before I began my dalliances with detectives in exchange for intel.

I laugh softly. It's a laughable story.

Since then, it has been what... 16 years? And I have been the leader of Shinseikai for the past 11. Hmm… Really? Has it been 16 bloody years since I really indulged myself? I am shocked, and sad. Ah, how I miss those golden days... I feel like the fire has died down recently...

I suddenly miss myself.

Damn it. Not good at all.

Maybe I should just call someone up and have them fix me up for an orgy. Maybe I should call up a detective… No, those guys are really unimaginative. I need variety today. I should just go visit the Matsubara-gumi headquarters and anger someone. I am sure the guys there would be overjoyed. At least I know Ryuuzaki would be happy to know of all the dirt I have on him.

I sigh, get up and walk to the window with a fresh cigarette, and look down at the road. Just like I do everyday. And see a happy couple walk by, hand-in-hand. I sigh again. How boring. Maybe I really should call Nanahara to take me to Ryuuzaki. Not that I like Ryuuzaki or anything, mind you. He is a boring, boorish, hot-headed fool who relies almost entirely on his brawn, is absolutely immoral, yet not unfeeling. A true yakuza. And not my type. But he knows what I like. I won't be disappointed. Plus, I do like those pearls of his.

I close my eyes and think of those golden times when all I did was indulge my body, when all of Matsubara-gumi waited eagerly in line for a taste of my body, to use me, abuse me as they wished, lighting my cigarette and taking a deep breath. I feel a spark of arousal. As I thought, I should just go now, or call someone quick.

I watch the road once more, my mind wandering in my memories, furthering my journey towards a painful hardness and my phone rings. I am annoyed. Nothing exasperates me like a perfectly timed turn-off. Why now of all times?

It rings persistently.

Shit.

"Yes?"

"It's me."

"Misumi-san! What is it?" My tone immediately changes to a honey sweet timbre. I cannot afford to diss this man and get away with it easily. Also, we have known each other for far too long, and I still kinda like him. I respect him for the man he is, and for all that he did for me.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing special."

"This evening?"

"Hmmmm… I was thinking of paying a little visit to Ryuuzaki…"

"Is it business?"

"… Kinda." My voice is coy.

"You…" a sigh of exasperation. He knows my objective. "Change your plans. I need you to accompany me to a meeting with the Gouda-gumi of Sanwakai at 6 in the evening. And you need to get some homework ready."

"Eh? Why?"

"I need you there. We are discussing about some contract rights and there are problems that I need you to have a look at."

"Eeeeh…" I sigh.

"It'll give you a hike in your holdings too if we are successful. It is good, clean profit, you know."

"Haa..." I am not interested. And he knows it.

"Yashiro… Are you saying you won't come?"

It's Misumi-san's 'business' voice. I smile to myself, take a deep drag out of my cigarette before I answer pleasantly.

"Of course not! If Misumi-san needs me, I will go to the ends of the earth and hell! It is an honor that you call me at all!"

Silence. Is he angry? Is he puzzled? Is he thinking if I would betray him? Is he just flattered? Maybe amused? Will he play with me once again? I am tempted by curiosity. I take the risk and step up my farce to the next level.

"Misumi-san… I don't really want the business. It's just... I miss you so much. Please... Will you...?" I say sweetly, in a husky, tormented voice, leaving the sentence unfinished on purpose. I know what he likes too.

A short laugh in response to my words.

"You…" a chuckling, playfully reprimanding voice. "Keep it real, you rascal!"

He is Misumi-san after-all. Of course he knows the game. And of course, he doesn't want to play.

"Though I really meant it…" I whine cutely. This is just harmless flirting. I don't really want him, so I don't really seduce him.

"Yes, yes…" a secretive, relishing laugh. He knows it too.

This is as normal as it gets for me.

"Seriously now... Amou has sent the details over by fax. They should be reaching you right about now. Have a look and tell me what you'd do."

The act is officially over. I assume my serious voice too.

"Yes, I will."

"I will come pick you up in an hour. Is that good?"

"Of course."

And I cut the call. I don't want to look at papers. I don't want to do any work today. I don't even want to go see Ryuuzaki or any of my detectives anymore. I just want to go home and rest. Maybe watch an AV movie or two and jerk off.

It is a weird feeling, but I would like to call it intuition. This one is bad, dangerous business, even for us; I know it even before I see the papers. And considering the Oyabun's health… It doesn't strike me as a good move to start making enemies now, especially since Misumi-san is Oyabun's successor.

Ah… I wish I had someone to talk to at times like this. Or just someone to blow… Well, anyway, someone who will not muscle me into doing something or going to some place or meeting someone as he wished. Someone who will see me as a human, not a strategist or a Yakuza, or a boss, or a subordinate, or even a pervert. Though, I don't really mind being thought of as a pervert. If it floats your boat, then you can think of me as whatever you want. Just make sure you satisfy me completely, and I'll be fine.

Ah, I am getting side-tracked again…

About the issue of a confidant... Does it seem weird to you that I want such company? Well, I may be a 'screwed up, lusty cat who's an M', but as I said before, I am human. And it is only natural that I be weak at times. Right? It is only normal that I seek some harmless company at times. Something that normal humans would have no trouble at all finding. I sigh. It's just getting more and more depressing today. All I need is that memory of a depressingly normal, painful relationship that I can fantasize about all I want, but never have, to make it worse than ever.

The image of Kageyama handing band-aids to me immediately flashes to my mind. Perfect. My day is now complete. My shoulders slump in pretended misery.

Ah, but I do miss him... Really.

"Kage… I want to see you~" I sing-song and raise my hands as if calling out to him, on a whim, unmindful of my surroundings. I am alone here after all. No one's gonna ask shit even if I jerk off here. And my mind flashes the image of Kageyama crying, releasing a slight shiver through my spine.

I hear two prim knocks on the door and Nanahara enters with a sheaf of papers.

I sigh. So much for jerking off… Ah, but maybe it would be interesting with Nanahara in the room… I chuckle quietly at the notion, but hold off on the execution.

"Boss, this just came over from Doushinkai's main office. Shall I leave it here?"

"Bring it to me."

Nanahara brings it over and hands it to me. He's been serving me for the past 9 years. I know everything about him, including what kind of meat he likes, what he drinks, how many girlfriends he has had in all this time with me, how many times he has been rejected and dumped... what he looks like when he is aroused, sad, hurt. I've even seen is 'coming face'.

But I cannot talk with him like I was just another fellow... human. I am his boss, and a long-time acquaintance. He is my subordinate who will do anything for me. We are 'brothers', but we are not equals. I am always a step above him. I care about him; he is my right hand. But he is always a step below. To him I must always remain the boss and hence unreachable. Otherwise there'd be chaos and heart-break.

Well truthfully, I really have no interest in him. He is not my type. That is probably the one most important thing that maintains our relationship on a 'business-like' level.

But he does have a nice enough body... Nice pectorals, a pity they are tattooed, tight abs... He can even have a fierce expression; I've seen it once or twice. I am sure he can be violent too. Hmmm... I let hungry eyes rove over him, and he fidgets slightly.

"Umm..." he mutters in discomfort.

I snicker as I turn away. To think of Nanahara like that. I am really scraping the bottom today, am I not?

Laughable.

I cast a careless look at the papers he has handed and walk around to sit on my desk, snuffing out my cigarette in the ashtray. It looks ominous. I can't concentrate.

"Boss, Amou-san called after we got this and told me that you may have to stay the night at the ryokan where meeting is scheduled."

"Aaahhh… So troublesome… I don't want to go."

The man chuckles and shrugs. "Yea, I kinda get that."

Oh do you? I smile to myself.

"Hmmm... Nanahara, you come with me."

"Eh?! But…"

"Call your woman and tell her you won't be home tonight."

"But, boss…"

"I will need a bodyguard with me. Who better than you, Nanahara? Go get ready."

"But Sugimoto..."

"Nanahara." I call out a little sternly. His eyes turn pointedly to mine, and for a moment he looks afraid. Am I really that scary? I am tickled! God am I good at acting!

"Ah… yes." He folds.

The man walks out dejected. And I snicker. I am also a bit of a sadist.

I sigh as I begin perusing through the thick sheaf of ill-omen and I throw it down on the desk after a superficial look. I don't see why they need me. The loopholes that we can use are numerous, and obvious to me. I can in fact think of ten different ways to take over the entire operations in that land and still be fairly legal going about it, let alone using 'back-handed' methods. I wonder. Has Misumi-san become so old he's gone blind?

"I wanna go home." I complain.

And I feel more irritated as I walk again to the window and watch as a familiar car arrives. It's Misumi-san. He is 25 minutes too early.

I smile.

_There was a time when I thought I was a twittering bird, or a sparrow. I thought I could fly, if only a bit. I thought I could taste fresh, open air, at least once._

I look down at the man who alights from the car, his bearing authoritative, and his eyes shrewd and cruel. This man… My captor. I hate him, like him, admire him; I respect him. Misumi-san is truly like a hawk, a hunter, a predator; absolutely majestic. He knew the talent that was inherent in me. He knew that my mind was razor-sharp, despite what everyone believed. He knew of my hatred towards humans. And he swooped in for the kill, using all my weaknesses. But… I am grateful that he wasn't as bad as he could have been. There is even talk that I may one day take Misumi-san's place. Just rumors… but I do not put it beyond him to do something stupid like that. He would once again corner me, force me, and I wouldn't have the will or power to resist. And I will be left grateful again.

I am smiling wider, lightening my mood, getting ready to act my part as the admiring 'son'. I laugh. As if that would fool him. Maybe I should greet him with my hands in my pants. It'd be tickling to see his reaction. It'd be interesting to play with him once again.

I let that idea slide. He is here for business, and that requires the strategist in me, not the deviant. I don't expect much good to come out of this deal, but Misumi-san cannot be blind. Which means that there was more to this than these papers alone. At the least, tonight should be interesting. I sigh internally, giving up.

I've looked down and reassessed it all in one go. I have found nothing to complain about. Just an impossibly stupid wish I still cannot abandon.

_But even if I can fly, even if I possess the ersatz wings of a hawk, I know now that I will never see the open sky._

_No matter what, captive birds cannot fly._

* * *

A/N: Yashiro is complicated, isn't he? This is the first time I'm writing in 1st person, so I had a ton of fun imagining how it would be inside his mind. I mean, he's like… soooo twisted that it's just amazing! Ah… I think I've fallen in love with him… again. XDDDD

Sooooo what did _you_ think? Good? Bad? Too much ooc? Too crass? Don't hesitate to tell me! :)

I actually don't have the burning intent to continue this ficlet, but if you give me ideas with your reviews (if I get any at all), if you want me to do more or do better, I _may_ be able to do one or two more chappies.

So, Don't forget to review if you want more! And please tell me what you think about it! Any comment is welcome, even flames. But please be sure not to be too profane. *bluuuush* I am still a very shy person outside my fiction... XD

**To all my dear friends who are anxious about Realizations, I have not given up on it. That baby will be continued with renewed vigor and updated as soon as I finish the next chappie! :) So, please hold on just a bit more! And thank you for waiting patiently all this time! m(_ _)m**

Thank you very much for taking the time to read it! Cookies to everyone! \o/

And have a fantastic day!


End file.
